“The Muppets raped Kurt.” Widow Love screeches. Her face is wide and her bright red mouth wider… and she screeches again incoherently, swaying and slogging around the stage in her stained slip. Mascara collects under her eye like a painted football player, streaks running not from crying so much as sweating. But she uses this effect to her advantage and addresses her audience like she’s crying. “I’m indignant!” Love screeches.
“What’s a matter?” Fozzie Bear asks and tips his fedora. He says, “Waacka, Waacka, Waacka.”
Love screams curdling and incoherent. She stomps around in what were once fuzzy slippers and now look like greasy matted roadkill. “Sacrilege!” she howls, “How DARE you bastardize him!”
“Uh, Ms. Wuv~ Aw you cuh-went-wee on dwugs?” Asks Baba Wawa. She is pressed against the stage in her fitted red blazer and gold button earrings. She lifts her microphone upwards held steady as bait awaiting Love’s giant gaping mouth.
Love explodes into a fit of hysterical crying. Everything about her is leaking.
Baba Wawa keeps a cool face with a tiny noncommittal smile. Her eyes stare sleepily and unblinking. She is patient as her formula takes effect. Her arm is as firm as the statue of liberty hoisting her torch. “Uh, Ms. Wuv, can you tell me what’s making you cwy?”
Love blubbers and shudders and plops down on her bottom. She loses a slipper in her descent and wipes dripping snot on the back of her arm. She leans over Baba Wawa’s microphone above Baba Wawa’s mildly-condescending-pleasant-without-sincerity-and-yet-not-entirely-provably-insincere expression and shrieks, “They’re fucking up HIS message Babs!”
“Uh, Ms. Wuv~ is it twoo you O-widge-in-a-wee sold the wights to Koat’s song?” Baba Wawa investigates using a monotone delivery. Her heavy drowsy lids give her a certain air of boredom. Her trademark work ethic makes her not so much trustworthy as reliable.
Love sniffles as she considers the question.
“Ms. Wuv, duzn’t that make you a hypocwit?
“High-Yaah!” Miss Piggy grunts and makes a quick karate chop toward Love. Her long hair tosses around like a shampoo commercial.
Love howls and grabs the rhinestone tiara off Miss Piggy’s head. The audience watches Love attempt to place the sparkling crown on top of her dirty tangles.
Miss Piggy lunges at Love’s neck and the two fall into a tussle, Love’s thighs squeaking loudly against the floor like the sound of skidding basketball shoes.
Baba Wawa turns her microphone into the crowd and points it at a young woman. “Uh, Fwannie Fah-muh Joonior, doo you be-weave the Muppets raped your Faw-though?”
Francis shakes her head. She glances briefly at her mother’s wrestling match with Miss Piggy. “Please consider the source.” She says without humor.
Baba Wawa nods. She appears both serious and appreciative. “Fwannie Fah-muh Joonior, does that mean you be-weave your muh-though is cuh-went-wee on dwugs?”
“I don’t have to reach far to answer that.” Francis replies as she observes Miss Piggy and her mother pulling each other’s hair and biting each others fingers.
Baba Wawa ducks as Miss Piggy throws Love’s other slipper into the the second row, narrowly missing her hair-sprayed bangs. Her eyelids flutter momentarily and there is some speculation she may go down. She seems accusatory as she pivots for gleeful witnesses. She efficiently straightens her blazer and stands with an uplifted chin.
The crowd bursts with applause as Miss Piggy slams Love’s wide face into Animal’s bass drum and returns her bent tiara to her now disheveled tresses. “Hummmph!” Miss Piggy bellows and crosses her arms over her fat cleavage in smug triumph.
“HERE MY SMELL!” Animal roars and his uni-brow goes up and down suggestively. He raises his arms above his bobbing head and clicks his drumsticks three times before launching into a frenetic solo on the toms. His grin is wide and toothy.
Love quivers and spasms, splayed on her stomach below, her head still resting inside the HOLEof the bass drum.
The Kermit the Frog “Piggy Got Back” (lyric and music “spoof” video) is being posted here for NO COMMERCIAL PURPOSES. The character voice is NOT Jim Henson or Steve Whitmire and this production has no affiliation to the actual Muppet Show or Henson/Disney empire.